Welcome To The Great Kitchen Games
There is something about being in a kitchen which brings out the competitive nature in people.
Even if most days you wake up and toss a readymade atrocity into the microwave, if you’re invited into another person’s kitchen you suddenly find yourself debating the best ways to thicken a roux or the secret to a perfect deep fried platypus.
But you don’t have to stop at the food! Now with our easy-to-follow guide you can take competitiveness to a new level in your kitchen, my holding your own Olympic Games, complete with opening ceremony and medal presentations. So gather a gang of international athletes today and within hours you can discover who deserves a gold pan and who deserves the wooden spatula.
The opening ceremony
As we know in modern Olympic Games the opening ceremony is almost as interesting as the events themselves. This should translate to our modern kitchen as we welcome the various competing nations (strangers you have dragged off the street) and light the ceremonial torch.
First you’re going to need to make the torch tying a few twigs together with some bag ties should probably work, though we would like to make clear right now that we take no responsibility for any flats burned down if following this guide. The torch can then be used to light the ceremonial flame (the hob bad luck electricity fans) and all athletes have to march round the kitchen draped in a dishcloth of their choosing.
The events
Javelin throwing: Chucking sharp spears about in the kitchen probably isn’t the most sensible or safe of activities, so we suggest chopsticks as a lightweight alternative. Ice a target onto a chocolate gateux and the competitor who gets their shot stuck nearest the centre wins.
Swimming: Unless you’re a billionaire who is also terrible at internal decorating, you probably don’t have an Olympic swimming pool in your kitchen, in fact you probably don’t have a pool of any kind. Time to turn to the kitchen sink.
Fill your sink to just below the rim (bubbles optional, though they could interfere with visibility), then give all competitors a ping Amoxil buy cheap pong ball and a straw. They must then blow their ‘swimmer’ across the sink and back again in the quickest time. Competitors caught using their hands are disqualified.
Boxing: This viagra from canada is a family Olympics, maybe we’ll just leave this event out.
High jump: Again, some imagination is going to be required here. A stick of spaghetti stuck between two stacks of sliced of bread will make the perfect height bar, raised or lowered between slices as needed. Now issue each competitor with a crumpet and they take it in turns to fire it out of a toaster and attempt online Ampicillin to clear the bar. It’s all in the toasting time.
Marathon: This event is going to need a lot amoxil generic of equipment, first athlete to the supermarket and back with the required goods wins.
The medal ceremony
Finally, once all the scores are added up, it’s time to present those medals and go the pub, or whatever it is professional athletes do when they’ve finished.
We recommend Bensberger Bank EG chocolate coins in place of medals, just make sure nobody tries to flog them down the nearest pawn shop. Loser has to do the washing up.
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